Tag Archives: fox news

Fox News Snippet of the Day: Holy War Brewing in Virginia?–Part 2

The Daemons have been unleashed; false believers perish at shocking rates.
SuperStock_262-2077The Nightmare, by Henry Fuseli

Fox News Snippet of the Day: “Are Orgasms Really All That?”

She wondered as she examined her husband’s bruised body.
10091819ADiego en mis pensamientos, by Frida Kahlo

Fox News Snippet of the Day: New GOP Forerunner

After Obama the need for fresh leadership was clear as a bell.
62067Portrait of Edward VI as a Child, by Hans Holbein the Younger

Fox News Snippet of the Day: Advertising Exec Holds Ex Wife Hostage

All he wanted was her first born son.
3371The Natchez, by Eugene Delacroix

Fox News Headline of the Day: Who’s the Daddy?

absintheThe Absinthe Drinker, by Edgar Degas

“Should I approach the ruffian to my left? He smells of piss and the docks of Rotterdam. I wonder if that is because he has recently been with a woman. He looks like he would believe me if I told him I were to have a virginal birth.”

She sank lower in her seat, and her eyelids passed over the shimmering green glass and dropped down to the golden scarf. “This was give to me by the man who called me his “ginger puss,” for my rust colored hair, and, I suspect, my inverted nipples. He was a Swiss warlock, cast out from Lausanne, and once told me that in Switzerland there is a legend of the absinthe fairy. If you drink this, they say, at twilight in Amsterdam, she will give you visions in which she takes the form of the father. The next day he bid me farewell.”

She picked up the glass and let all the absinthe slide down her throat. After a few minutes, she began to shake the man next to her, “You got me pregnant!” she yelled in his face. He turned to her, still with his hand-rolled tobacco still tight between his lips and said, “Remove your hands from me and I’ll tell you who did it. It wasn’t me. I once had an unfortunate pony accident.”

Her eyes shone bright with hopeful tears. “He was a virgo. Very little arm hair,” he said, gazing deeply into her amber eyes. “A Jesuit priest. An alchemist. A correspondent of Helen of Troy.”

He leaned closer and she could smell hints of vanilla. “Sound familiar?” he breathed. She recripocated the gesture and hugged her body to him with a new ferocity. “Oh thank you, my sweet fairy!”

She walked out into the red lights, determined to reunite with her prince.

Fox News Headline of the Day: “I Am a Princess of Sodom”

ermineLady with an Ermine, by Leonardo da Vinci

The fair lady gazes at her pools of ocre eyes in the mirror nearby, “Oh where are my pretenders of the afternoon? Shall my tea take a chill while I await?”

Ermine: *snickers*

Lady: Silence, wretch! Care you to be the laughing stock of Italy, or, I know, my handmaiden’s shawl!

Ermine: Why are your hands so large, and so very deathly cold, my dear Lady of the Night? Is your headband cutting into your skull, center of all motor functions, or is my prodigious weight forcing your back to arch as your pitifully weak arms give out?

Lady: Why are your arms are so muscular, you little albino dinosaur.

Ermine: Listen, my princess, you humans have already ceased in your evolutionary path, while my species is destined to very nearly over-populate the earth. While you grow weaker and your technology less inspired, I grow stronger and less needful of melanin. I will be almost self-sufficient, and you will be as dependent on your many lovers as ever.

Lady: Your soft pelt draws people in, it is true. But every boon can just as easily be a curse. Just consider my beauty in its many forms. I have a very curious second eyebrow gracing my forehead, a part in my hair that could do a farmer proud when he lays the rows for corn…And yet I cry every night! It is true what you say, I need Mr. Donne, oh, and Mr. Cornwallis, and Mr. Botticelli…

The Ermine interrupts to slap her across the face, “God rest your mother’s Danish soul should she witness this spectacle! Be chase, lassie!”

The lady spun on her heels and faced the mirror, disconcerting the ermine. “Good day! I see that some pondering lies ahead of me. That and a bottle of wine and some cheese, perhaps with Mr. Modigliani, atop the paints in his studio…No! I shall mount only my great stallion and go directly home, not even stopping at the baker’s.”