Tag Archives: horror

CNN News Headline of the Day: Obama’s Trip to Africa

S1225Frightened Horse, by Eugene Delacroix

Obama arrived in the Sahara fresh and exuberant. A shaman talking in a manner of clicks and whistles approached him and shook his hand. Obama didn’t hesitate to squeeze his hand. He could see women with baskets on their heads and bare breasts. This pleased him.

“Where’s my white horse, 18 hands tall just like I asked” he inquired after taking in the scenery.

“The stable boy shall bring it shortly, sir” a young Libyan said.

“What! Why isn’t Hilary bringing it? How am I supposed to ride it to the King’s palace like Julius Caesar now? It’s symbolic. Fix this.”

“But sir, she is in Arkansas right now. It’s a 24 hour flight.”

“Oh, right, she is Secretary of State.”

“I must admit that I was wrong. I must be the greater man here.” he thought.

“I was wrong,” he said aloud. “But I still want my horse.”

He felt like he was going to die in the hot sun, but knew that he could survive any amount of dehydration because he was the President now. Finally the great white beast galloped up to them and once again he could feel endorphins in his brain.

Obama reached out to stroke its long nose, admiring the albino-like, mystical quality of its fur and the dark wells. Suddenly it recoiled in fear and shock.

“Control him!” Obama shouted gutturally, putting his hand on his sword.

But the Libyan, try as he might, could not stop the horse from running in circles. It was beginning to attract the attention of lions and this filled him with fear.

The horse sensed this and made an effort to calm down and headed toward Obama as if to apologize. When he was about five paces away, he looked over his left shoulder as if his dead mother had called his name and then fell over.

“I’m sorry sir. It’s neck is broken” the Libyan said in a soft voice.

Obama bent down a picked up a handful of sand, holding it close to his nose, trying to rememebr the smell of the earth to bless the horse he had known for so little time.

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CNN Headline of the Day: Tame Your Flame

olympic

The Lady of Shalott, by John William Waterhouse; Reverend Robert Walker Skating on Duddin, by Sir Henry Raeburn

Lady Shalott gazes at her reflection in the water as she drifts along: “Rowing for the Summer Olympics is in just 3 weeks! Like noble Cleopatra, I too have the strength of a Greek athlete within me, and I will make it across the Panama Canal. My beloved Robert would be so proud of me. Too proud to bear it, I like to think. He shall probably buy a bed of roses to lie in before he must continue training for the winter Olympics”

Meanwhile, Robert glides: “Ever since I was a young man, to be an Olympic ice skating champion has been my dream. To let my penguin tail flap in the wind would be my pride. We can be a power couple in our own right, like Sonny and Cher…yes, we should name our first son Chaz.”

That night, as Lady Shalott dozed off, Robert sat there watching her sleep. Suddenly, he jumped out of bed and threw cold water on both of them. “Lady, my Olympic flame burns when I watch you sleep. You see, I have found Faust’s secret knowledge and I can hold this back no longer. It’s like a constant rain cloud over me, and I can only find peace when I pirouette.”

“Well, Robert, you should probably find a way to tame this flame or else Zeus might make you commit seppuku for this outrage against manhood. But I will support you anyway because I love you”

Robert got back in the cold bed and curled up next to Lady Shallot, thankful for her goodness.

————-
At the Olympics, as Miss Shalott stood waiting for her event to start as she watches the long jump competition. She saw the last competitor of the event, number 902, and found herself admiring his eminetly frog-like legs. He could carry her over a river, and no heavy traffic could stop them from crossing a road. She watched in earnest as he soared through the air, and landed farther than all the rest. He jumped up, pumping his fist, and declared that all his earnings would go to PETA.

Robert came up behind her and gave her a squeeze and she screamed.

She hurried to the bathroom and splashed her face with water, but she continued to swell with desire. She wiped soap across her cheeks, trying to exorcise the demons that forced their way into her mind. But there was no luck left for her. She was deeply disturbed.